Learning to not Hate my life!

First let me say that I find myself hating my life lately. I'm glad that this blog doesn't have a big following right now. I'm a mess.
I. Hate. My. Life.
that sounds horrible I know. My great deal on a house is a house that is falling apart, I'm starting to hate it. I went to work for tax season (starting last October 2015) my house hasn't been 100% clean since. I've been home since mid-March. Hubby has been on medical leave since January......we're broke..no money.
He has no desire to go back to work. He has no desire to want me. Like I said I'm currently hating my life. Aside from the 3 children we have to feed, we also have 2 dairy does, Bambi just kidded to bucklings (could have sold doelings for twice what these little boys will bring) and miss Juliette will kid anytime between now and the next couple months? We have our Buck, Remington (code for spoiled pain in the BUTT Momma's boy) we're up to just over 30 poultry between the chickens and turkeys. 1/2 of them will be sold or eaten.
I feel overwhelmed, I can't do this on my own and I've said this. Hubs either doesn't listen or doesn't care because while he "supports" me in having these animals he doesn't interact with them unless he has to (me in an emergency situation screaming bloody murder for help might {just might} bring him out to help.

I weigh 244 pounds. that is OVER double what I should weigh. My children have never heard me say that I feel beautiful or that I love myself because I don't. I don't feel like I ever will.

EPIPHANY: It's not my life that I hate, it's me. I hate myself.

Here's a few reasons that I can think of why I hate myself.
I unapologetic-ally ate 3 pieces of chocolate cake yesterday and 2 more today.
I lack will power and self control
I'm lazy
I have NO Motivation
I'm unhappy.....it's totally my fault, no one person can make me happy, I have to choose to be happy.

Here's me....choosing to be happy.
I am going to start each day choosing to be happy, choosing to get up and clean something, to eat healthier, to be more active.
I binge watched "My Diet is Better" today.....while eating chocolate cake and thinking man I can do those things.....now is the time to start.

"Dieting" hasn't worked in the past, I am the main cook in the family. I don't feel like I have the support system I need to have. In the past I have said, "no cookies" or "no pop" and it never sticks. Hubs has to have his pop and junk food. It drives me nuts why can't he support that I hate my body and do not feel comfortable with myself to the point that I don't want to go anywhere or see people.
Seriously if I could just hang out with my goats and chickens and my favorite Turkey Pepper....I'd be a very happy person.
Here it goes

No More Excuses
No More Waiting for someone else to want to change too
No More Hiding
I'm ready to love myself, to love my body and start loving my life 

Quest to find Time

I've been bad about posting, I vow to make more of an effort.
My days go by in a blur and haze of chaos lately. I learned to can this year, it all started with Dandelion Jelly. Yep those little yellow flowers my Mom never wanted. I have canned just about anything I can get my hands on this year Peaches, Cherries, Pears, Apples. I even made pickles!
I'm processing pears tonight and tomorrow so that I can go get more pears :)
I have been so bad about wasting food in my lifetime I am ashamed to say, so when I went through the pears that have sat on my porch for oh say a month or so I had some bad ones, I some that were only half bad, I had some that had bad spots and I had some that were fine, I now have a 5 gallon bucket almost full of pear, apple and red pepper scraps that I can take out to my friends house and feed her piggies!  We also go out and get more pears at a friends house.

My hubby started a new job about a month ago so I need to get back to budgeting things, I am a horrible failure at living within or below our means so that is what I will be working on along with getting rid of A LOT of our possessions  crap, belongs, stuff and such. We have way too much and I'm tired of cleaning up after people (hubby and children alike) I feel unappreciated and quite like a maid.

Goals for this weekend:

1. Clean out the home school/dinning room I have boxes in there and they need to be gone through. 
2. Sort through the laundry upstairs or at least 1/2 of it, and get rid of 3/4 of what I go through! (I made charts on what the kids need clothing-wise and it's really more than a child needs so we'll be going off that from now on
3. Enjoy time with my family, the hubby has the weekend off!

Have a great rest of the week! 

Remember your blessings and check out the button in the corner, A Weekend to Remember is great and every couple should go at least once, in the next week I'll post a link to join our group to register with a $80 savings!

Do you Validate?

No not parking, have you ever felt like you really just need someone to hear something that you went through just to make sure the way you are feeling is correct? After reading about a family in Ohio 

(see the link here: http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/news/state/report-seclusion-misused-for-ohio-disabled-kids#ixzz22jiit0JH )

it got me to thinking about when we pulled our son from public school who also used a seclusion room (they called it a “recovery room” and to be let out you had to sit with your arms hugging your legs and shoes in front of you; now you weren’t allowed to let them know you were ready either. They just left you were in a room with absolutely NOTHING to do. The school never sent anything home when my Lego Man was in there either, the only way I knew when it happened was when either Care~bear or Lego Man told me so.

Okay without further ado here is part of our story that I posted:

My son was in a seclusion room when he was in public school; he was in there pretty much daily. The day that I pulled him from public school was the day that the principal and both counselors and the nurse were gone, the Vice-Principal couldn't use it without one of them being there so he called me within an hour of school starting to have me pick Lego Man up, "He is just not going to make it through the day" is all I was told. After telling the Vice Principal that I didn't have the car, my hubby did and I would have to call and have him pulled out of his class to pick our son up; also telling him that if he couldn't do it I would walk up and get him (school was 6-8 blocks or so, we walked it often...but my 4 year old was sick and there was heaps of snow) 12 minutes from the first call I get another (did I mention that at the times of both calls from the VP I had my hands IN bread dough?!?!? 6 loaves worth! (I literally had just hung up with hubby's school) "when are you coming to get him, when will you be here????" at this point I think that something must be so wrong, he's hurt somebody or destroyed property...Me: "what is he doing, what is going on?"....VP: "He is making noises and I want to know how long I have to occupy him"

I walked up to get him and when I get there he is crying because he wants to go back to class and he isn't being allowed, he asks if he can at least go get his strip of fabric that he has in his desk (comfort/sensory item from his Nana) he won't even let him do that, VP: "you can just get it tomorrow" ME: "nope his sister can go get it after school, Lego Man won't be back again" all because the VP couldn't use the seclusion room...I imagine Lego Man would have been there all day if he had been able to.

Tomorrow we go to Kansas City, Children’s Mercy to get results of the last 2 meetings and maybe find out if he is on the spectrum and just where my Lego Man is on it. We know that we have special needs; I get that now, even though I’m still calling them “Different Needs”
I promise that my next blog entry won’t take almost a year to do! 

Time4Learning.com

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. Time4Learning can be used for homeschool, afterschool and summer skill sharpening. Be sure to come back and read about my experience.

Has to Vent

Since when do we tell our "friends" what is appropriate to put on our own Facebook? I have been told that I am not to vent on Facebook...LOVE IT....the only people who can see what I post are the ones within my friends list, my son is a 7 year old boy and he ripped part of a paper table-cloth BIG deal, not a reason to chew me out very rudely or anything, it's not fair to make me feel like bad mom for a rip in paper, this can not be my biggest concern, when I have to watch my littlest one around peanut containing foods that had to be my biggest concern, so what exactly do you want me to do? Nick was NOT the only child "running" around, for the most part mine sit through Sacrament meeting quietly, with the exceptional bathroom trip, mine don't cry or scream and I'm being told by other "friends" that my kids are reverent, yeah thanks for that, you tell me that I can't voice my thoughts or feelings on FB and that my kids aren't reverent. Guess what, you can hit the 'friend' button just as easily as the 'un-friend' button, it's not like I posted it on my profile page, it's in my NOTES section, if you don't want to hear my vent don't read my page, I do my best with my children and some tell me to let them be kids (I like you guys) so please someone tell me what I am supposed to do and be since I am obviously not doing it right.

Censored Speech

I really need to censor my speech, or maybe not drive. Anyone that knows me proabably knows that I have anxiety issues, so much so that I have RX medication for my severe attacks. Well I have almost quit driving all together, I rarely take all 3 kids out without Jason anyways, however, yesterday I had to get some errands done and low and behold, during the course my running around, the boys got on one of my last nerves and of course I'm driving in Maryville Missouri, so most of have to know how drivers are here, they stop completely to make a small turn, and turn signals are optional here. While I was waiting for a little elderly woman to figure out what she was doing out of my mouth comes without any prior known knowledge or permission from me....."Hurry up Ol' Bat" and within seconds of wishing I had NOT said it out loud, my sweet 5-year old asks what an Ol Bat is, trying to cover my own rear-end instead of admitting Mommy wasn't being very nice, I came up with it means that she is an elderly person who is both Beautiful and Talented (BaT) I did mention that it is only used in the car while driving never in person. After some silence in the car, and Jason silently or mostly silently laughing...Jacob says "Mommy, you're an Ol' Bat" and of course all I can say is "Why thank you honey"
My oh my, the things I do and go through. I won't even start on what I told my daughter when she over-heard my sister and I talking about what we called our 'hooker-boots'  What have you said that you had to re-censor? :)

That's a whole lotta dough!

So since I was attacked last week (by a cat) and had issues, I'm finally back to being able to use my right hand again, mostly at least! I thought that I would make bread since it's been a week, the spot where I had it written down had the sugar version instead of the honey, so I went off memory and instead of the 2 loaves conversion I ended up making enough for 4 loaves!
So now we have 2 loaves of bread, 24 mini sweet rolls (those went last night) and 6 jumbo cinnamon & brown sugar muffins! Turned out nicely though.
Very bummed about missing church today though, all 5 of us aren't feeling the best,mine I think is ALL sinus though, Jacob has a fever and has for a few days, Catey is sick to her stomach, and poor Nick is all stuffed up. :(
I am so excited to go to this Homeschool Convention & Curriculum Fair in Kansas City in only 2 weeks though! I think that we are even going to go to the KC Zoo! (weather depending of course). But for now, I think we are all going to rest and eat soup.